


Secrets Find A Way

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Depression, Gay, Guilt, M/M, Masturbation, Original Character(s), Porn, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 02:15:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17255735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: One day Ryan Watts makes a mistake that'll follow him wherever he goes. When he just thinks his wounds are healing, again his life starts to tear apart.





	1. A Cold Morning

It was a freezing morning. He got off the bed in a low mood and felt more annoyed when he felt the cold floor underneath his bare feet. He didn't want to get sick. No it was the last thing he could ever want so he quickly put something on. 

The woollen sweater was slowly soothing his erected nipples because of cold but the only thing that was hard was not his nipples. When he dared to look at his messy bed a strike of shame hit him hard. The memories of the last night made his heart feel as if it was burning.

"It happened again." he whispered. His tone was enough to express his disappointment . Why couldn't he control himself? Every attempt to quit watching those filthy things was resulting with unsuccess.

While his being was still shaken with embarrassment, when the pleasure of the last night echoed in his body he slowly gulped. He felt as if that fiery feeling was in his veins again. It didn't matter how hard he tried to suppress or ignore that desire.

He knew what was going to happen next. He knew very well. But he couldn't win the fight with his demons.  
"One last time." his voice cracked. It was such a poor lie.  
"One last time." he repeated. He lied down on his bed. His erection was unignorable. While he was writhing with desperation and lust he took his pants off. Suddenly the chill weather made him shiver but he was so busy to actually care about it.

He stretched his arm to the top of his commode and took the body lotion. When he got all wet and so his fingers gently locked around his penis. It was hard for him to muffle his moans. This time was no different. But the problem was neither masturbating nor his body getting hornier and more fragile day by day. It was the things he imagined.

Ryan Watts. When he was a student he was not fond of talking but he always found a way to draw the attention. He was smart and a lover of literature. But more important than that he and his genes were blessed with beauty and grace. His brown hair, well-shaped figure and warm green eyes were so good at stealing young ladies' hearts. And he didn't have a problem with that, at all. He was sure an attractive boy who was aware of his charms. Until that bloody day that took everything he had.

*

He was a freshman in the Uni. Because he moved out he only had the chance to see his family once in a while. And that day he was feeling as light as a feather.

He bought the bus tickets and that bizarrely joyful journey took a start. It was impossible for him to read a book in the bus without vomiting so with a stupid smile he just watched the visions of mountains and trees getting distorted for five hours.

That feeling of being a part of a group and being welcomed with a great understanding made him feel almost high. The soul of family was something he believed. A soul that shattered irrecoverably out of nowhere. The sharp remainings of that now demonic soul was still causing him pain. 

The more he felt alone and guilty the more he leaned towards things those would hurt him more. He knew he was surrounded with people who are ready to help him but he found himself too weak to handle these emotions. Oh the pride of him. That venomous black snake inside him  whispered his ears accepting help would only make him weaker. So rather than letting his scars to heal he chose to hide them. 

During this time, he found a drug called porn. Something that was enough to make him forget his regret for a while. Something that would let his fingers to discover every inch of his body. A cursed pleasure that he would never quit. 

*

Naked bodies were not something he was unfamiliar with. But before this incident it was just a tool to entertain himself from time to time. The delicate curves of a woman was a pleasing for his eyes. The moans and the cramps of those feminine lines were making his body feel tingled. Then it became something more. It was an avalanche: unstoppable, unreversible.

And one night while he was trying to please himself he realized these moans meant nothing for him. That perfect body, that blissful smile... A feeling of being deceived filled his senses.  
"Was she really having fun?" he thought. He knew she was making a great amount of money from this but was she genuinely having fun? Were she and the other "blissful creations" screaming and tossiong because they were feeling the orgasm deep in their soul? No, obviously they were not. 

He was in a search of something that would replace this. If he didn't find anything, that would be his end. Even to think of this was making his body tremble. There were certain things those he avoided. Things he was afraid of trying. But more important than that he was afraid of actually liking it. 

Curiosity was a curse. Curiosity.. . And the excitement to do something that society strictly restricted was undeniably seductive. This was something he could not forbid, wasn't it? No, no; that was wrong. But his fingertips betrayed him. And they typed out that three simple letters. 

When he was done he was out of breath. He needed a minute to put his thoughts in order. He was sweating and the steam of the tension was almost visible. When he felt the fatigue to fade a little bit he checked the clock. 

"Fuck."  
No, he had no right to curse his fate. This was his choice. He jumped from the bed and went to clean himself. In half an hour he had to be sitting on his chair and checking the mails. 

While the warm shower was relaxing and waking his senses up, he realized he was smiling. Was this because he was honest to himself for the first time eventhough it was painful? The smile of him grew bigger. Yes, first time he was brave enough to accept that he enjoyed every second of this play. 

It was going to be a long day and after a very long time he was feeling genuinely great. At least this was going to last for a while.


	2. The Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan gets even more confused about his feelings about Dean.

He arrived at work right at time. He sat his chair with exhaustion and rolled his eyes in an unhappy way. The pile of paper in his desk was put there without his knowlede. When he looked over his shoulder for seeing someone to talk, he saw him. 

For a very long time he tried to make himself believe that the reason why his heart dropped his stomach whenever he saw him was only because of admiration. The admiration for finding a way to smile in every situation and couraging the others. But the more days passed with him the more his feelings were getting deeper for him. Even the idea of falling for him was enough to make R. to blush all over.

“Hi, Dean.” he said. The eyes of Dean was locked on him for a second. Just for a second. He brightly saluted R. with a pleased look.

“Saw you on the bus station this morning. I shouted for you but you didn’t hear.”

R. was shocked and didn’t know how to respond. Was this something disrespectul? Oh, he felt his face was on heat. But it was not his fault, right?

Dean continued talking: “But don’t worry. It was such a crowd, wasn’t it?” 

R. responded in an eased mood: “Yeah, it was. I bearly found a seat to sit.”

This chit-chat lasted for a little bit until Dean said he was heading over his desk. But before he left R. could swear he saw him wink for a split second. He couldn’t control himself but smiled like an idiot. Dean turned his back one last time and gave R. a playful look.

When Dean was around of him he was unable to function proplerly. This was something he hated. It was against his nature to act like this but whenever Dean’s vision appeared in front of his eyes he felt a warmth in his heart.

He was a clever man for sure, he knew what these all meant but even the denial of his feelings was kind of a game. As if he was willingly torture his soul. Love, that was it.  
He sighed. He was raised in a religious family. The word of homosexuality alone was something cursed. For almost a year R. was able to hide this curse. So hiding it in the future wouldn’t be such a problem. Or would it? Every day he was relying on porn more as a stress relief. Since the day straight porn felt so shallow R. was more and more afraid to get to know himself. To discover his hidden desires was making him feel as if he was naked.

*

He closed his eyes. The ache in his heart was unbearable. Just like screwing his life up once was not enough he was getting ready for another round with life. It was not possible for him to forget his burden.  
That day when he was at home, his mom asked him to take care of his little brother. R.’s brother was around the age of six, maybe seven. They played some games, watched television and did other stuff what brothers do. Then there was a phone call, it was a friend of him.

*

“Hey, are you OK?” 

He oppened his eyes with panic. “Yes, I am.” he mumbled. Oh, it was Dean. 

“I just wanted to ask if you wanted to join me for lunch.” 

“No.” he said, with a serious look in his eyes. “I am sorry, I can’t.”

Dean was visibly surprised. He itched the back of his head and smiled poorly.

“OK, then. Um... See ya around, huh?”

“Yeah, thanks.” he said with no sign of sincerety. Why was he doing this?

While Dean was walking to the lunch room, he bit his lips. A wave of emotion surrounded him unguarded. He was cursed, wasn’t he? If he wasn’t then why did these scrumptious feelings started to become a part of him after that incident? A salty tear dropped over his jaw to his legs. There was no way to hide from him. Those shiny eyes and perfect face.

He closed his computer and get off of his chair. Dean was also getting ready for going home. Their eyes met unintentionally and Dean just glanced away. As if it was the most random thing that could happen. But eventhough he averted his gaze, the coldness of his look was piercing. 

“How petty,” he thought. “I only said no to his lunch offer. Because you know... I was not in the mood.” 

Why he was trying to find a logical explanation for his actions? Wasn’t it better for him to just stay away from Dean? At least for now? Just for a while...

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this so far. Hearing your thoughts would be great.


End file.
